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Deciding to be a birthing surrogate for someone else is a major and very personal decision; it will require that you undergo a psychological evaluation and consider other important family members. Even though you have passed the hurdle of your psychological assessment and have made an informed decision, you will still need to be very careful in how you explain things to your kids. Celebrities, magazines, the media and religions have perpetuated certain ideals about morals, ethics and pregnancy. The last thing you want to do is add to any distorted or dysfunctional notions your kids may have. So, how do you have someone elses baby and make sure that your kids are not confused when you do not bring the baby home? Think about the following before you decide to be a birthing surrogate: 1. Discussing it in detail with your kids may or may not be necessary. Obviously, if you have a toddler, you do not need to go into specifics about your surrogate pregnancy. Just tell them that you are having a baby for someone who cannot have one on their own. How you approach the subject with teens, however, is trickier and is determined by their age and maturity. Be sure that they understand how the process works, the monetary and other benefits to you and that this is both you and your husbands choice. Also explain the good it does for those who cannot have babies on their own. 2. Be honest with them about your motivation. Maybe bringing a child in the world for someone else gives your life meaning. Maybe the fee you will obtain will make life easier for you and your family. Whatever the reason, be clear to your kids that you are doing this to help another couple and the money earned will make life a little better for you and them. Be honest and tell them why you will be carrying someone elses baby. 3. Let them ask questions. No matter how old they are, your kids are going to ask questions. Not just your reasons, but how the process works, what will happen to your body and what will happen when you have to give the baby away. Make sure they know that there is a small chance of medical complications, but that with your expert physician, everything is very likely to go well. Explain the biological process and the steps involved in embryonic implantation. Your kids may be concerned about your health and safety. Assure them that you have researched the process of being a birthing surrogate and that you would not be doing it if it was not safe for you or the baby. 4. Talk to them about their concerns about having a brother or sister who will be given to someone else. Even young kids are aware of the profound meaning of having a baby and will be confused when it goes to someone else. Have a conversation about why some people are not able to carry a baby and the gift of life you are providing. Everything being equal, it is probably best for your kids not to see the child once its born. Explain that this is really someone elses baby, so it is best to give it to its loving parents quickly. Emphasize the altruism and love involved in your ushering someone elses baby into the world. Communicating with your kids is the best way to make sure that they are not confused or troubled. Use this as a bonding and learning experience for you and them. See your pregnancy through their eyes and be sensitive to them.
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Dr Shery is in Cary, IL, near Algonquin, Crystal Lake, Marengo and Lake-in-the-Hills. He's an expert psychologist and provides psychological evaluations. Call 1 847 275 8236 and make an appt orlearn more about counseling at: www.carypsychology.com
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